Fanfiction Hell!
by Dusty Llama
Summary: Like AMV Hell, but ... less so. Warnings: incoherence, crack!, shonen-Ai, gender-bending, religiously sensitive material, overall stupidity.
1. Hell 1: Gender Abidance

Chapter 1 - Gender Abidance

* * *

"What. The. Hell."

Those three words could be heard from a short, hot-tempered someone in the middle of a room.

"Seriously, who did this?!" The person asked again, standing up in the darkness. Suddenly, a bright white spotlight shone on them.

**"I did, of course!"** was the bubbly answer from what seemed like inches from the first person's ear.

"Where and who the hell are you?" The blond asked. "Why'd you do—"

"Ed!" Alphonse cried suddenly, before the hollow chinking of his armor body could be heard bounding towards the shorter of them.

"Al…?" Ed started weakly. "Al! Get away! You don't want to know what they…she…_it_ did to me! Go while you still can!"

"No, Ed, it's okay, I know what happened…don't worry about me." The younger (though older-looking) of the two then came into view of the other, who was only somewhat recovered from the initial glare of the spotlight.

"You do?" Ed asked, surprised. "Then tell me who…who did this to me! And why!"

Al was quiet for a moment, which seemed an eternity to Ed. "I'm sorry, but…I can't tell you."

Although Ed could sense Al's hesitance, there was still the somewhat betrayed feeling.

"What do you mean you can't tell me, Al? I'm still your—"

"No, Ed," he began, sighing, then sitting on the floor. "I'm under an oath…it'd be against the law."

Ed nearly fell over from laughter. "What do you mean by that? Since when are we prime examples of law-abiding citizens? Besides, what kind of law would keep you from telling me—"

**"The law of copyright and infringement!"** The mysterious girl's voice said again. Both of the people there jumped in surprise. She'd sounded so close, but they couldn't see her, so she must have been in their heads. But that was just…

**"Yes, Ed, I'm in your head! Good child, have a cookie."**

…impossible.

"Who are you, already?" Ed yelled out again, furious and fully aware that he could have simply thought that exclamation.

**"Oh, I guess it wouldn't hurt to tell—no! I'm fine, you don't have to…no, get away, I—"**

"Stop it, Jane, you knew I'd only be gone a little—"

**"MY NAME'S _NOT_ JANE! It's Desanti!"**

"Yeah, right…whatever you say. Either way, Jane, you can't just up and take over when I—"

"Okay, seriously, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!"

The second mysterious voice gave a small cough. "Well, you see, Edward…Jane here—"

**"DESANTI!"** She screeched, before her receding footsteps could be heard.

"…ahem. As I was saying, Jane came and took over a bunch of my stuff, and I just got back, so we started bickering…I'm so sorry about that. And my name's Sam."

"So," Ed started, "it's her that…that…did this to me?" It was obvious that Ed was straining not to blow up at them again.

"I'm sorry, what? …oh no, no, that was me."

"WHAT?!" Ed hadn't bothered to suppress the outburst this time.

"Are you saying that you're the one that turned me into a…a girl?"

"Um...yes."

* * *

_AN: That is the first of it all. I'm doing this whenever I get a random story idea...yup. It's genius, I tell you!_

_Anyway, so if anyone cares enough to want me to expand any of these into a full-length fic (if applicable) then it shall be done. However, at the moment, I just want reassurance that I haven't gone __completely insane._

_Now I ask of you the ever-important request: review if you've read it!_


	2. Hell 2: The 2am Ramblings

Chapter Two - The 2am Ramblings

* * *

Rambling the first - A limerick I hope you're too tired to realize is out of meter

There once lived a boy named Ed,  
who became shorter than Roy by a head.  
He rejoiced as he thought  
he'd grown tall, but t'was naught,  
as Roy stood up from his seat by the bed.

The moral: Ed needs to factor in that people who are _sitting down_ aren't in very good positions to be measured against for height.

**- Ring ring ring ring ring ring ring -**

Rambling the second - Haiku time

Winry was a rock ...  
Bell, that is, and she likes "stuff".  
Wow, that's really vague.

Al was a boy, once.  
Now he's trapped in a Gundam ---  
sorry, "mobile suit".

That last haiku owned.  
Why? It gave Sam plot bunnies ...  
Gundam X-Over!

Okay, so that failed.  
But I've better plots, honest!  
They just don't surface.

Back to FMA.  
It's a manga/anime.  
That's all. Dot dot dot.

**- BANANA PHONE! -**

Rambling the third - Fullmetal Cosplay

This is the part where you think you'll be shown awesomesauceicle RoyEd cosplay photos, am I right?

Well, perhaps I am right. In that case, you are wrong, because I am not going to do what you think I am so I am right about what you think, but you are wrong in your thought, so some might argue that I myself was wrong, but I don't think so, because you would have to have not thought the thought you thought for me to be thinking the wrong thought about your thought.

Think about it.

**- Ding dong ding dong ding dong ding -**

Rambling the fourth - Fullmetal Cosplay (revived)

So after that very thought-provking thinking session, I figured I'd show you ... no, not RoyEd photos. Shoo, rabid fangirls.

No, I think I will show you ... some fascinating skittles of my brain, involving various characters of this glorious fandom of ours portraying ... shall we say, _others_.

Watch and love.

o_O_o

Our scene is set in a forested area in the Southernmost point of Amestris. A cottage is in plain sight from your point of view ... wherever that is. Let's just say you're God, so you see everything. Good?

Alright, now we've settled that ... you see this cottage and, suddenly, from inside it pops a blob of red. Since you're God, and you're so up high, you can't really see it that well ... so you zoom in with your God-lens a bit. And if you're wearing glasses, take them off a moment and put them back on, it'll seem more real.

Do it ... just because you're God doesn't mean you control the story. I'm the author, I have more power than you. So take the damn glasses off!

THIS IS SO YOU KNOW TO PUT THEM BACK ON. BECAUSE AS WE ALL KNOW, BLIND PEOPLE CAN ONLY READ CAPS LOCK. THAT'S WHY WE MAKE UP THE NOOB POPULATION.

Better? Perfect. So as the story goes, you see this red-cloaked figure peek its head out of the doorway of this cottage. The figure is a person ... and is very bulky. Kinda fat looking, but you can't really tell ... better zoom in some more. Glasses off, GLASSES ON.

So they're not fat after all, they're pointy! Not in the fun places, but kind of everywhere, which must make for some awkward ... nevermind. So the pointy person looks up at you—don't worry, they can't see you, you're God ... if people could properly see you, that would defeat the purpose—and anyhow, you've suddenly decided the persn is a he because their face has none of the sculpting of either human gender. He's started walking West, carrying a wicker basket. If you'll kindly turn your ears up—the casual non-deified reader may plug them, yell, and unplug while still yelling for the full effect—you will be able to hear the mewlings of many collective kittens coming from inside the wicker baskets and ... the pointy boy?

Anyhow, he keeps walking along until he comes across a fork in the forest path that happens to be there. Then suddenly, a big and scary alchemist comes out of the bushes—non-God readers roar to yourselves here—and starts speaking to him in a deep, booming voice.

"ALPHONSE," The man we now know as the Caps Lock Alchemist began, "WHERE ARE YOU GOING?"

The boy ... Alphonse ... in a red cloak ... Al-in-red-riding-hood ... replies:

"Why, I'm going to my big brother's house to give him some stew!"

The Caps Lock Alchemist looks wide-eyedly at Al-in-red-ridin-hood. "STEW?" He booms.

"Yes, and I should be going if I'm to get to him in time ... good day, sir."

So, on pranced little (big) Al-in-red-riding-hood, to see Brother Edward. Except he kept seeing cats alng the way and, well, they were just so adorable ...

Needless to say, by the time he got to Brother Edward's (470 cats and all) he was met by the shock of a brother nearly dying of hunger and a very mad State Alchemist (who'd been waiting to ambush him for the stew since the last Thursday, when he'd seen him on the path).

The Caps Lock Alchemist began t attack Al-in-red-riding-hood, but the cats all defended him. Afterward Edward, devouring his stew (made with genuine cat milk!), scolded the Gundam-boy-in-red-riding-hood for "stealing" all the cats.

Fin.

**- DONANA PHONE! -**

_AN: So, that was fun to do. :D_

_And it's 4am at present ... I do believe I should go to sleep now. Have a safe and wonderful day, my dears, and remember ..._

_Glasses off, GLASSES ON._

_- Sam/FHT_

_PS - I hope against all hope that God doesn't smite me for not doing a disclaimer in this. Because I like living, frankly enough. :P_

_Review, please, as always._


End file.
